It was like a vacuum. Nothing was there of any importance. An empty void. And he didnt know how to escape it.
This was why Todd McDowell hated sleeping. He couldnt dream anymore. It was as if someone had literally sealed his dream world airtight. Every night was the same: blackness. Just like his days.
He sighed and kicked the sheets, reaching out to touch the one who he knew wasnt there. Kelly used to lie there next to him, faithful, compassionate, gentle. Now he only felt the roughness of the empty sheets to his left.
He couldnt bear to think about it anymore, and shakily pulled back the blinds, looking down onto the Manhattan street sixteen floors below. At the sight of the street and the cars cruising along them, he almost cried.
The clock caught his attention. He was an hour and fifteen minutes late for work. "Damn time. Everything is times fault," he said, and threw on some ratty clothes he picked up off the floor.
He exited from the apartment complex into a windy, rainy world. The bellman tipped his hat. "Mornin', Todd," he said, happier than the weather. "Sorry about you know."
Todd didnt say a word except "Thanks." He shook his head at the ground. He, like everybody else, just thought she was missing. But it was so much more complicated than that. Head tilted toward the asphalt, he trudged five blocks in the rain to his office. He didnt even have the energy to get a cab.
Inside the office, Todd was met by a load of overdue paperwork and a scowling boss. His boss stood in front of Todds desk, peering down on top of him. "McDowell, what is the meaning of this slacking off?" he asked shortly.
Todd stared in silence at nothing.
"McDowell? Are you doing okay?" he asked. Todd didnt reply, and instead made very weak eye contact with him.
"McDowell somethings changed in you." Todd shrugged, as if trying to blot out the world.
Finally, purely to grab his attention, the boss said, "McDowell, if you cant pull yourself together, Im gonna have to let you go."
"Too late to do that. Im already gone," he said. His voice was completely spiritless and hollow. He turned away from the boss, leaving him speechless.
After spending all day shuffling papers aimlessly, Todd went down toward 16th Street to visit his friend Jack. He was grateful to Jack for being there for him. Who else was?
Abruptly he stopped in the middle of a puddle at the corner of 20th Street. He looked around. This was the place. It all came back to him.
Kelly had been on her way home from a poetry reading session on her "girls night out", at a café. Reading poetry. So innocent. It had been dark, not many cars out. The little man had said it was okay to walk. The traffic light glared red onto the wet pavement. But one car, one Honda Accord, had carelessly ignored everything, and plowed through the red light and Kelly. Todd had been there. He had seen it all. So far, the media had not found any evidence. Todd had taken her body and buried her in secret.
"She was just reading poetry," Todd said, over and over. "She was just reading poetry."
Finally, Todd pulled himself together and plodded on. Before long, he had reached Jacks house. Jack somberly welcomed him, embraced him, and gave him a steaming cup of cider.
"You look like hell, and probably feel ten times worse. So I made you your favorite," Jack said.
"Thanks," Todd said. "Jack, you're the only person I've confided in about this. And now I just dont know where to go. Everything in life is empty. I feel like Im living without me. Like I shouldnt be"
Jack struggled for words. "Dude, youre not making any sense. Life goes on. Everybody makes mistakes. People just have to learn to deal with them. Like you have to. God, dont think like its over, like you need to end it! You have to fight back."
Todd tried to drink his cider, but it just tasted bitter. Like beer. He cried at the sight of beer now. Everything tasted like it.
"Jack, I will never heal from this. I could never love someone like I loved Kelly!" His mind started to race. "Im sorry! I just cant live with this weighing me down!" He abruptly got up and headed toward the door. Jack tried in vain to stop him, but Todd was too fast.
"No, Todd! Dont do anything stupid! Please!" Jack yelled, getting panicky, and set off after him. But Todd was far ahead by now.
"Im not gonna let you do anything!" he yelled, and chased after him. "Do you hear me?!"
Todd wasnt listening anymore. Someone could have cut off his ears and he wouldnt have noticed anything. He left Jacks building and headed home.
Along the way he thought of how much worse it would be if the media knew what had happened. He could see the headline now: "Drunk driver kills young lady." Todd decided he would make sure he'd never have to see it. He ran faster, trying to leave it behind, but he couldnt. By this time, hed reached the parking garage next to his complex. He saw Ahmeed, the notorious Arabian merchant who was being hunted by the city of New York. He had set up camp right outside it. Ahmeed sold illegal and dangerous items on the black market. Todd approached him.
"Cyanide, now," Todd said.
"Why?" Ahmeed said, fumbling through some pills. "Plottin to kill someone?"
"Just give it to me," Todd barked. He paid the money, which he happened to have enough of, and entered the parking garage. There before him was his Honda Accord, heavily dented in the front. This was the piece of aftermath that hurt him the most.
"Why was I such a fool?!" he screamed in agony. He held the pill at arms length so it glinted in the faint trace of light, shining through the grey canopy that mirrored his life.
He could hear Jacks footsteps outside. They sloshed through the dirty sewer water toward the parking lot. "TODD! STOP!" he said frantically, rounding the corner.
Todd stared at Jack with sunken, hollow eyes. "She was just reading poetry," he said, barely above a whisper. Jack ran at him, but it was too late.
Todd closed his eyes, and the pill slid down the hatch.
