Cool... okay.

IToldMyself
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jbarrett1987

NAME 20 PEOPLE YOU KNOW

1 Eric
2 Miguel
3 Caroline
4 Brian
5 Teighlor
6 Scott
7 Liz
8 Zac
9 Lisa
10 Jess
11 Jenny
12 Hunter
13 Greg
14 Bethany
15 Aaron
16 Tom
17 Winkle
18 Garnette
19 Allison
20 Nina

Currently Listening Contraband By Velvet Revolver Headspace see related

So I was digging through people's old Xanga entries because I have that much of a life (or lack thereof...) and found this survey somewhere on Caroline's. Since I'm extremely bored and not that tired, here goes nothing...

You know this is killing you...

Currently Playing This Desert Life By Counting Crows Colorblind see related

...And I don't think any more words are needed.

Hm, so life.

Yeah. I don't know. I feel alone, even though I'm not alone. Suppose nothing new.

Someone called me today (blocked their number of course) and left a voicemail of them like shrieking into the phone and that was it. Who was that? God I hate it when that happens.

Waking up at 2 PM rocks, though.

Currently Playing Transistor By 311 Beautiful Disaster see related

Reading Mr. Paul Weeks' Xanga made me remember how much I loathe rap. Anything like the Ying Yang Twins where they just whisper the whole time - but not only do they whisper... they whisper sick shit like "Wait till you see my dick, I'm gonna beat that pussy up." Ludacris is the second least talented musician I've ever heard (Lil Jon being the first because he's famous for yelling nonsense in his stupid voice). I can see how Eminem is talented because his lyrics are genius... or Twista because of how fast he raps. But god dammit.. 50 Cent? Ludacris? Lil Jon? You have to be kidding me. If that's music's future I might as well go profit in gold mining or something.

Seriously people...

What an awesome movie. Go see it, everyone! Easily beats 1 and 2, and maybe a couple originals too. I saw it Thursday with some friends and I'm going again in about a half an hour today.

And so life is good again. All my school burdens (minus my finals) are off. I don't have to worry about school this weekend, which is really fortunate. Yesterday was quite fulfilling. I hung out with Miguel, Aaron, and Logan for awhile and played music/video games and stuff. I also got a job. Yeah yeah you know you're jealous. Or not... anywho. I'm gonna get off this thing.

Oh yeah, one more thing... I didn't lie.

Currently Playing Queen - Greatest Hits, Vols. 1 &2 By Queen Bohemian Rhapsody see related

Ahh yes... Contmp debate grade was good (enough), only one homework assignment to do, hot wings, good music, and Minesweeper...

Doesn't get much better than this!

YES! Auditions were today... I did much better than I thought I would. Mrs. Stadler actually yelled at me for starting theater my senior year instead of earlier. I sure hope they meant what they said though, and hope I get called back...

Still, holy shit. I didn't think I'd do very well, and this is a huge surprise for me. Su-weeeeeeeeeet!!

Um... peace out

Currently Playing Battle of Los Angeles By Rage Against the Machine Calm Like A Bomb see related

Bored as shit. Stole this from the one and only Pat Valley.

Currently Playing Life in General By Mxpx Chick Magnet see related

Life would be awesome if school wasn't standing in the way.

I'm exhausted. I have so much work left to do, I've barely started any of my projects... all due next week. But I have a 3.9 GPA so far for the term. I got a 102 on my chemistry test today. Thank god... those 5 hours I studied did pay off.

Bass kicks ass, but it's too distracting from school. I need some help with time management.

And with that... I bid you farewell and keep clean.

First of all... my apologies to Nina. My intent was not to insult you... but merely to point out that you and Sarah (and that hotsheriff guy) all have really similar layouts. I don't wanna have a repeat of last summer. Seriously. Plus, we're older now and can handle things a bit more maturely, don't you agree?

And now let's play a game...

As soon as you read this, whether you know me or not, ask me any 5 questions you want. I will (and I swear by it) truthfully answer all of them, no matter how private or weird. Keep it relatively decent though... nothing horribly gross... ya know.

Go nuts kids.

Currently Playing By the Way By Red Hot Chili Peppers Tear see related

The Red Hot Chili Peppers' CD By The Way is the greatest CD I've ever heard, and I love it.

Currently Playing Tomorrow By SR-71 Hello Hello see related

I think I've finally hit rock bottom.

And I just might vent about it right now, because (for whatever reason) venting to a web journal that doesn't talk back always makes me feel better.

So here goes... for background info, I have been feeling really empty lately. That's really the only way to describe how I've been feeling. It's like either some component in my life is missing that's making me feel empty, or there's some extra component that's making me feel this way. I feel like I'm looking at life through someone else's eyes, or through some kind of hazy filter. Nothing gets me excited, I can never truly say I had "fun" anywhere or anytime, and hell, how am I supposed to know when I'm truly happy? I don't really feel sad often, but I don't feel happy either. Everything in my life seems to yell "apathy" at me. I'm apathetic toward everything, and it's sad. I feel like I have no direction anymore.

Okay, assuming most of you all didn't care to read that paragraph... I'll continue here in a new one with my vent. The first and foremost thing to blame for how I'm feeling and acting, I think, is school. School is the fucking worst thing ever invented. Actually, I take that back. Junior year is the worst thing ever invented. I can't stand junior year. Every day is a new struggle to stay on top of my grades. How do you people do it? I mean, I'm doing just fine with a 3.8 right now, but it still feels like it's not enough, like I don't really know the material, like I'm just getting lucky... Every single night is the same, homework up to my eyelids and I wind up going to bed past midnight (which is tearing apart my relationship with my parents). And here I am bitching about how hard school is, and I'm not even in any AP's! I'm in all the low-to-mid difficulty classes and I'm drowning in schoolwork. I just feel like I couldn't possibly compete with the likes of many of my friends who are taking much more challenging courses and doing just fine. I guess the fact is I am horrible at time management, but even so, whenever I compare my performance to others' in school, it's really upsetting to me.

There's another part of why I feel so down all the time nowadays: I compare myself to others too much. I don't know what it is... I used to have so much more confidence in myself and my abilities than I do now. A month or so ago I was happy and keeping a positive outlook and it was awesome, but it's all come crashing down... I don't know. But I frequently compare myself to others who I feel are better than me, sometimes sub-consciously. The best example: music.

For some time now, playing music has been my only source of true happiness. It's the only thing that keeps me going and on my feet, and the only thing I'm not indifferent towards. But I'm getting a huge wakeup call nowadays: I'm not very good. At any instrument. I'm good at bass, sure, but not phenomenal, not enough to stand out. But shouldn't I be phenomenal? I've been playing for 4 years! Recently (a.k.a. today and yesterday) I realized I don't have what it takes to play music.

Me, Miguel, Mike, and Tom played at Miguel's party yesterday and totally sucked. It was the most embarrassing moment of the night for sure... we opened with "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and almost everyone was crowded upstairs. Scott (tried to) sing. The microphone fed back like crazy. Everyone walked away. Tom didn't know where the hell we were for the drums. I was playing the notes in the wrong order too because I wasn't concentrating enough. Jesus, 4 notes. I messed up to "Smells Like Teen Spirit." It's embarrassing. The crowd shrunk from about 50 kids to about 10 by the end of the first song.

Then today was St. Peter Chanel Day. It was mass and I was in between Zac and Tom and sort of talking to them quietly but not too much. Well this asshole physics teacher, Mr. Prevost, gets PISSED. And when I say pissed, I mean about to punch me in the face... he decides that my talking to Zac and Tom is worthy of pulling me out of the student body during mass, calling Trapani up to deal with me, and then making me stand with all the teachers for the entire mass. Fuck Prevost. Fuck him to hell. What the hell is his problem?

That's kinda off topic. Back to what I was getting to... St. Peter Chanel Day is basically a big Marist field day where a bunch of student bands play. I watched almost all of them. Both freshman bassists I saw play (especially Eric Lacour) were amazing and were doing stuff I still can't do. The whole lineup was made up of student bands that beat us during auditions for time slots (my band, understandably, didn't come close to making it). And besides the bassists, the majority of the bands were solid. They played like one whole unit and were focused. In short: they sounded amazing. We sounded like shit and could never click. I mean, I guess we need a lot more practice but I can't ever see myself sounding that fluid, ever. And it's really disappointing to see that all the hard work I've been putting into my music doesn't even come close to the talent I saw today.

I can't write music anymore either. Nothing I write is strong, memorable, catchy, or interesting. I was at the top of my songwriting game last year, and now even though my knowledge of music and music theory is better, my creative skills are a lot worse.

What else is wrong with me lately? Friends. I don't fit in. I'm in my group of friends, but I'm not really "in" it. I can't explain that too well, but it seems like everybody I'm friends with is... well... liked by more people than I am. Everyone has more friends, everyone has closer friends, and everyone's content. I got the first taste of that at Miguel's party. Everybody was hanging out and mingling and having a blast... I was sort of walking aimlessly and unnoticed by most. Especially with girls. I have practically no girl friends anymore, and I don't know why. Does it have to do with having a girlfriend? I still want girl friends... Last year it seemed like I was a lot happier and having a lot more fun, but this year was not the same.

And the girlfriend aspect of life, of course, adds to how I feel. Laura and I were standing and watching the bands today at school together, and then Jonathan has to come up and give her a hug and be all over her... while I'm around. It just makes me feel uncomfortable regardless of whether he meant it that way or not when another guy is all over my girlfriend. So naturally, I edge away and go sit down next to Winkle about 4 feet away and wait for Jonathan to leave. But when I look back again, both of them are gone. So I figure that they must have gone off together to "hang out" or whatever the fuck they do together. Then Alex, later, starts telling me how I upset her because I supposedly "blew her off" (what the fuck?) and how I needed to go find her, so I eventually did find her in her homeroom but we didn't resolve anything, as usual.

Then in the parking lot she was explaining what was wrong, and Miguel happened to call right in the middle, because he had my backpack. So I told her to hold on just a second and picked up to tell him I'd be at his car shortly and... she starts crying. This happens often, so I just say goodbye and find Miguel. I mean, I'm so unstable internally right now I can't handle much more external instability. I don't do anything at all and constantly she's upset or crying, over usually nothing at all, or something minor that I accidentally or subconsciously did. I just can't take it... maybe I need a break, some time to be alone and clear my mind.

To close: My parents hate me. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't do drugs. I'm honest about where I go on the weekends, I don't do anything illegal, my grades are very good, and I set a fairly good role model for my brother who I'm nice to and almost never fight with. But they're still not fucking satisfied. Their only reason they have for yelling at me is because I don't have healthy sleeping patterns. And because of their constant nagging, threatening, and bitching to me, I get mad and I'm rude to them. That results in them grounding me. For what? Do they completely ignore my positive qualities?

It makes me wonder whether not they would be easier on me if I'd turned out differently, if I'd been fucked up like the majority of teens - drinking, partying, having sex, doing drugs, failing classes... then if I acted even half as good as I do now they'd love me to death. I mean, part of my reason for not smoking/drinking/using drugs is so my relationship with my parents stays healthy. But it's horrible! All they do is yell at me for not being organized enough with my studies, not sleeping when they want me to, and most of all for denouncing my faith and not playing sports. They loove sports. My brother Andrew plays football, basketball, and baseball very well, but me? Nope. I just play my bass. I just waste my time, because I don't have a real band and I don't really go anywhere. What good am I to them? Andrew still believes in God and is a practicing Catholic - I'm just (quoting my mom directly) "spewing venom and going to hell." Yes, that's my own mother. Fuck. What the hell is my problem. So the opposite is true in this case and it makes me wonder what good is it to not drink and smoke and do drugs if they hate me even when I stick to my morals.

All I know is the black hole of life is closing in on me. And I hope this is just a passing phase but I've been repressing these feelings for months now and today just happened to be the straw that broke my back. I seriously hope no one read all of that, but if you did, thank you so much for caring about my problems.

....Any advice?

Currently Playing Grassroots By 311 Nutsymtom see related

And the dumbest girl award goes to...

JBarrett1987: i hate dwelling on the past
JBarrett1987: and thinking about the future
JBarrett1987: i like living in the moment
dancinqueen3142: yes
dancinqueen3142: true bc we live in the future
dancinqueen3142: our future beholds our past
dancinqueen3142: without the past their is no future without the future their is no past
JBarrett1987: well there is a thing as the present also
JBarrett1987: the present is that narrow point thats moving through time. it divides past and future.
dancinqueen3142: wow
dancinqueen3142: thats all i have to say
dancinqueen3142: but if its all jsut time is time really divided
JBarrett1987: well to humans yes
JBarrett1987: time is a human concept
JBarrett1987: its so real, yet so thought up
dancinqueen3142: time is what we make it to be
dancinqueen3142: time is the world evolving the world growing the world's eternity
JBarrett1987: growing the world's eternity?
dancinqueen3142: the world evolves
dancinqueen3142: it gows around and around it never stops
dancinqueen3142: like time never stops
JBarrett1987: yeah i guess i see what you're saying
dancinqueen3142: but is time really time or is it just thinking or pretending that we grow have we always been here on earth
JBarrett1987: what?
JBarrett1987: yes...
JBarrett1987: idk
dancinqueen3142: so many weird things we have no idea what the answer is
JBarrett1987: nope
dancinqueen3142: hahah life itself can be a question
dancinqueen3142: do u think that force has the answers
JBarrett1987: i want to achieve enlightenment one day
JBarrett1987: and no
JBarrett1987: i dont think the force has the answers
JBarrett1987: i think we as humans do
dancinqueen3142: but the force allows us to feel those answers to have emotions that can help distinguish these answers
JBarrett1987: maybe
JBarrett1987: i have no ide3a
dancinqueen3142: lol
dancinqueen3142: i dont think anyone does
dancinqueen3142: we humans are very smart to begin with but think about how their are so many other things out there that may be even more intelligent then we are
JBarrett1987: yes
JBarrett1987: do you believe in aliens?
dancinqueen3142: hmm never really thought about it
JBarrett1987: oh
JBarrett1987: well think about it
dancinqueen3142: hmm aliens is like from another world we dont know about
dancinqueen3142: its so not from our world that maybe they were with us or near us from teh beginning
dancinqueen3142: we may be aliens ourselves
JBarrett1987: haha
JBarrett1987: no
JBarrett1987: we are not aliense
dancinqueen3142: to them we may be
JBarrett1987: yes to them
JBarrett1987: to them we have to be
JBarrett1987: but we aren't to us because we're us.. alien means foreign
JBarrett1987: we're not foreign to each other
dancinqueen3142: lol
dancinqueen3142: true
dancinqueen3142: but is the alien trying to tell us something
dancinqueen3142: how did that perception of an alien come about
JBarrett1987: what are you talking about?
dancinqueen3142: lol i dunno
dancinqueen3142: i never know
JBarrett1987: hah
JBarrett1987: okay
JBarrett1987: okay them
JBarrett1987: *then
dancinqueen3142: what do u think aliens are lol
JBarrett1987: beings that.. dont live on earth
JBarrett1987: that we obviously havent discovered yet
dancinqueen3142: are the aliens the future and are they going back in time
JBarrett1987: ?
JBarrett1987: i'm gonna go with no
dancinqueen3142: lol ok
dancinqueen3142: but what if the aliens are really us humans many billions and trillions away
dancinqueen3142: into the future
JBarrett1987: many billions and trillinos of what away?
dancinqueen3142: of years
JBarrett1987: um, i dont think something can exists billions and trillions of years away
JBarrett1987: maybe they will, but we may also
JBarrett1987: are you talking about lightyears?
dancinqueen3142: ay
dancinqueen3142: ya*
JBarrett1987: thats kinda a big difference
dancinqueen3142: light years
dancinqueen3142: what is a light year
JBarrett1987: a light year is the distance light travels in a year
JBarrett1987: which is a lot
JBarrett1987: yes lightyear is DISTANCE
JBarrett1987: year is TIME
JBarrett1987: totally different things
dancinqueen3142: distance is perceived and calculated through time
dancinqueen3142: right
JBarrett1987: um... maybe?
JBarrett1987: look
JBarrett1987: light travels 300000000 miles in a second
JBarrett1987: multiply that number by 365.25, and that's how many miles a lightyear is
dancinqueen3142: holly crap
JBarrett1987: so yes
JBarrett1987: and you know how lightspeed is supposedly really fast
JBarrett1987: ?
dancinqueen3142: no
JBarrett1987: well traveling at lightspeed, you'd only travel one lightyear in a year
JBarrett1987: okay nevermind
dancinqueen3142: omg
dancinqueen3142: thats crazy
dancinqueen3142: no keep going
JBarrett1987: no thats all i wanted to say
dancinqueen3142: lol hahahha
dancinqueen3142: omg ur hilarious
JBarrett1987: why?
dancinqueen3142: so are aliens light years away
JBarrett1987: i have no idea
JBarrett1987: i believe in aliens personally
JBarrett1987: so yeah
dancinqueen3142: just a thought
JBarrett1987: but who knows
JBarrett1987: they might be closer than a light year
JBarrett1987: we cant see that far
JBarrett1987: we're still relatively primitive
dancinqueen3142: do u think our universe can see that far ahead
JBarrett1987: i dont think our universe sees....
JBarrett1987: and what do you mean so far ahead?
JBarrett1987: its distance
JBarrett1987: not time
dancinqueen3142: oh
dancinqueen3142: dang it lol
JBarrett1987: yeahhh...
dancinqueen3142: a little blonde moment its ok
JBarrett1987: several, actually
JBarrett1987: its okay
dancinqueen3142: lol
dancinqueen3142: just be glad ur not blonde bc then we would have so many it would be scary
dancinqueen3142: what made us think of aliens in the first place
JBarrett1987: i dont know
JBarrett1987: probably looking up at the stars and wondering if there are more like us?
dancinqueen3142: that reminds me have u ever thought how everything living in our world evolves around the ocean
JBarrett1987: no
JBarrett1987: i dont think that's true... but go on
dancinqueen3142: well i was thinking how the sky is blue bc of the ocean how many living things live in the ocean and how water is essential for us to live
dancinqueen3142: how we humans spend time near the ocean
dancinqueen3142: how time and the tides of the waves are produced by the moon
dancinqueen3142: and how the moon is far away from us living this yet it still has a connection
JBarrett1987: well first of all, ocean water is not essential to our life because it's salt water, and we can't drink it... haha
JBarrett1987: and there are plenty of living things that don't live in the ocean too...
JBarrett1987: and um, i dont think the sky is blue because of the ocean
dancinqueen3142: from us living things yet*
JBarrett1987: but okay
dancinqueen3142: isnt it the reflection
JBarrett1987: well
dancinqueen3142: of the ocean thats y the sky seems blue
JBarrett1987: let's think
JBarrett1987: if that were true, then why is the sky blue here when there's no ocean for miles and miles?
dancinqueen3142: bc the ocean covers more than half of the world
JBarrett1987: that doesnt matter
JBarrett1987: the reflection isnt that strong
JBarrett1987: and the ocean isnt that blue
JBarrett1987: water is clear by the way
JBarrett1987: the sky makes the ocean ble
dancinqueen3142: lol
JBarrett1987: *blue
dancinqueen3142: oh i got them mixed up
JBarrett1987: yeah.. um
dancinqueen3142: so what makes the sky blue
JBarrett1987: but then the sky has nothing to do with the ocean
JBarrett1987: good question
JBarrett1987: the answer? because thats the wavelength of light it gives off. thats where it is on the spectrum
JBarrett1987: sunlight shining on oxygen atoms has a blue effect
dancinqueen3142: how the heck do u know this
JBarrett1987: and yes, when the sky is grey, it's still blue above the clouds
JBarrett1987: because i paid attention in science class
dancinqueen3142: lol
dancinqueen3142: also think about how everything is circular
JBarrett1987: okay..
JBarrett1987: how does that relate to the ocean
JBarrett1987: (no, the ocean is not circular)
dancinqueen3142: i have no idea
dancinqueen3142: lol i know that crazy
JBarrett1987: ohhh
JBarrett1987: okay
dancinqueen3142: but the earth is
JBarrett1987: yes it is
JBarrett1987: spherical
JBarrett1987: hah i love this
dancinqueen3142: well call it a circle
dancinqueen3142: lol
dancinqueen3142: i do too
JBarrett1987: okay.. we'll call it a circle
dancinqueen3142: time is also circular
JBarrett1987: no it's not
JBarrett1987: its linear
JBarrett1987: the complete opposite
JBarrett1987: if time was circular we would be reliving the past
dancinqueen3142: what if we are and we just dont know it
dancinqueen3142: what if time was a huge circle
dancinqueen3142: what if we have lived on earth before and we are reliving our past but we just dont know it yet or its in another form
JBarrett1987: that would be reincarnation
JBarrett1987: but its' not circular
JBarrett1987: we're progressing
dancinqueen3142: can u progress in a circular formation
JBarrett1987: no
JBarrett1987: you repeat in a circular formation
JBarrett1987: progressing implies moving forward
JBarrett1987: in a circle, you move around and around
dancinqueen3142: lol
dancinqueen3142: i had no idea
dancinqueen3142: lol jk
JBarrett1987: well it seemed like you didnt
JBarrett1987: so i was just clarifying for ya
dancinqueen3142: thanks
dancinqueen3142: ur to smart for me
dancinqueen3142: lol
JBarrett1987: there!
JBarrett1987: you finally admit it!
JBarrett1987: hahahahaha

Ha ha ha...... whew. That wasted my night quite well. I love her, she is just a bit of an airhead.

Currently Playing One Nation Under By From Zero The Other Side see related

Woods Poetry, Part 3

Sun sets over the lake
Much too slow to affect my state
As the sky falls down around me
Through my heart like a javelin

Natural herb floats through the air
Scented candle among the plain
The time couldn't be more perfect
To shed your outer layers

Stop running from the world
You can't just block it out forever
The aura's in the sky again
Bringing me back to my first memory here

Cars too hurried to care about me
Blow their trails past me
I'm standing in this dust
Because I want to feel unloved

I admit I'm nervous as I stare
Down at my blackened feet
But at the same time the birds
Remind me to stay put

One lone crow alights upon a rotted stump
Why dwell upon the dead? I asked
The crow answered with a flutter of wings

Lemons of materials call me back
Cool becomes cold, nothing becomes hot
My neck is craned against the foliage
My whole life
My whole entire life
Is green

Currently Playing Out of Exile By Audioslave Be Yourself see related

A word to the wise...

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...

EVER

EVER

EVER

EVER

EVER

wait until the night before to do your term research paper. EVER. Did I mention don't ever do it?

Hey everyone, check the time that I posted this entry. Yes, that's right, that's no typo. 5 AM. I'll be back up in an hour and a half. Good night morning.

Currently Playing In Between Now & Then (CD & DVD) By O.A.R. Dareh Meyod see related

Wassuuup... I deleted my Livejournal. Fuck that shit up its ass hole. Yes, you know you love how beautifully I express my words. I guess I'm kinda falling out of the whole weblog thing. Nina takes the cake for longest time keeping a weblog without getting sick of it. Props to her m'kay m'kay.

For the "Currently Playing" thing, I'm actually gonna have the song playing on my Xanga no matter what I'm listening to. Trust me, I can find URL's for all the songs I listen to. It just makes more sense to me that way.

So not much has been happening in John's life. Sorry to all the people expecting gossip, I got nothing.

The only thing worth mentioning is I think I might finally have a band. We're (hopefully) going to be playing at Miguel's party in a couple of weeks, at his house.
The Band:
Scott - vocals
Winkle - lead guitar
Miguel - rhythm guitar
Tom - drums
Me - bass
(I think Aaron might join as our acoustic guitar player and will help with vocal duties. But I don't know yet.)
The Songs:
O.A.R. - Dareh Meyod (our opener for now)
Audioslave - Be Yourself (the new one)
Unwritten Law - Seein' Red (maybe)
Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit (maybe)
The Offspring - Come Out Swinging (maybe)

...So, we don't really have it together yet, but we hopefully will. We got cut from Chanel Day so we're just kinda gonna do our own thing now. Whatever it's cool. I have to do my research paper now. Bye kids.

Currently Playing Rocket By Primitive Radio Gods Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand see related

Stupid computer deleted my old entry. Oh well, it's not like anyone read it. I hate Xanga. Actually, I hate weblogs. I'm just so sick of them and their emptiness. There's nothing I really want to say. I have too much to do and this is wasting my time.

Two more weeks...

Currently Playing 30 Seconds to Mars By 30 Seconds to Mars Echelon see related

Hello everybody, this is my new Xanga. I got sick of the old one so I decided to start over. But I'm not sure how into it I am.

It's spring break and everyone's outta town so I finally got around to deleting my old Xanga.

I gotta go. I don't think I'll be using this much.